“Fear not,” is the plea in the words you speak. Again and again and over and over, but my heart believes it not. Is life a dream or is it a nightmare? The dream in its entirety is tainted and torn by even the whispers of the nightmare. We have no choice. The good and bad must be wrapped up in this package together, inseparable. To love and to lose, to smile and to cry, to feel and to hurt, to fly and to fall – these define the lives we lead. To run from the pain is to leave behind the beauty, yet the pain refuses to be abandoned. Even in the numbing emptiness of forfeiting the world of emotion lies a different sort of pain – a death of all you truly care about. But I choose life. I choose emotion. I refuse to seek satisfaction in emptiness, numbing myself to all heaven has to offer this world. If finding the beauty requires enduring the pain, I will take both in stride. To fall is better than to never have flown; to hurt is better than to never have felt; to cry is better than to never have smiled; and to lose is better than to never have loved. Until the day we die, the good and bad will be inseparable, but on that day, we will be thrust into one or the other for eternity. The choice is ours. The dream can be enhanced by the experience of the nightmare if we allow ourselves see the beauty in our trials. Life is a dream, and life is a nightmare, but my heart believes in a hope that transcends it all. Again and again and over and over, the plea reaches my ear: “Fear not.”

It’s up to us whether we’re going to pollute the night sky or be a sign of hope in the dark.

(Source: pressingheaven)

I know it’s been a long time since I posted anything on here. I’ve really been trying to work things out with God, to figure some things out. I’m not even sure that I’ll start posting frequently again. But tonight I had a truly amazing experience that I felt compelled to share. It may not be the most exciting or life-changing account you’ll ever read, but it is certainly going to change my life!

For my entire life, I’ve believed in God, Jesus, the Bible, and all that good stuff. But I’ve never really felt like I had a wonderful, passionate, all-consuming love for God like I know I’m supposed to. I could never really figure out why. I’ve struggled with this for years. There have been hard times, and there have been good times. No good times in my life have even compared to the joy I’ve felt the past few months. I have a great family, a plethora of awesome friends, and now a truly amazing guy in my life. I’m blessed beyond belief. Though I’ve been making sure to thank God for blessing me so much and trying not to take these things for granted (though I’ve certainly failed at that in the family and friends department), in some ways being so blessed makes it harder to love God more than anything else.

Sometimes, it’s easier to love God during the hard times. It’s certainly easier to rely on him when you don’t have anything else to rely on. These past few months, things have been so great that I haven’t felt the need to rely on God. I’ve slowly been realising that I’ve really gotten things the wrong way! Yes, I’ve been plenty thankful. But I’ve started to love God’s blessings more than God himself. And really, it’s always been this way for me, but now that I’m blessed more than ever before, I’ve started to notice.

What brought this on was a tremendous struggle with fear, worry, and ultimately, doubt. For the past several weeks, I’ve been constantly (nearly unceasingly) filled with worry that God would take away the things I love most in my life. Perhaps to make me rely on him again, or perhaps because I simply care too much. There have been times that I was convinced my life was doomed to be miserable, and that these blessings were all just leading to pain like I’ve never felt before. I’ve prayed and prayed for God to take away these fears and worries, but somehow my mind kept going in the same circles.

Today I spent some time alone with God, really thinking about what has been going on here. I realised that my worries and fears were really just symptoms of a much bigger problem: that I don’t really trust God with my whole heart and life. That I certainly don’t love him more than the other things in my life. I realised that I’ve been relying on other people for my happiness and fulfillment. I felt like if I were to lose those blessings, I would be miserable, and that I would be completely broken and alone. I confessed these things as I was praying, being completely and even brutally honest about where I stood. Then, I asked that God would help me overcome this. As I continued, I began to feel love for God like I’ve never really experienced before. I sat in silence for a while just dwelling in his presence, and the feeling kept growing stronger. It was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before! For the first time, I actually believed in my heart that God is the only one who can satisfy me, even when everything is going smoothly. I believed that even if I were to lose the things that are most precious to me, I’d be okay because I’d still have God.

I’m certain that even after this awesome experience, I will continue to struggle with these things. It will probably take a good deal of time and learning to trust God completely before I can be worry-free and truly love God more than anyone else. But regardless, today has brought much-needed encouragement to know that my efforts really will pay off. God is changing my heart, even as I type this. I’ll take whatever time is necessary to make sure I don’t forget the lessons I’ve learned this evening. I’m finally starting to believe that nothing is more worthwhile.